Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
