xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize