Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
