ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
