Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
