I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
