you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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