I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
