bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
