The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
