Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
