the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
