Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
