I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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