I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
