as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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