I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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