how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
