I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Operation Purity has been aborted
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
