We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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