Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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