I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
