She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
