he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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