Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
