god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
even my farts smell like vagina
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
