im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Everyone says I win the strip club
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