Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
