Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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