Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
