Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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