I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
