I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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