How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
