the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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