she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
