I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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