So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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