i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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