I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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