this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
