i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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