I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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