She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You did what with his pubic hair?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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