I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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