Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You pole danced in your parka.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He did a backflip because drugs
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