i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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