Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
