Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
