I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize