Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
