alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
