when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
