did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
