you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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