Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
